So You Wanna Become a Jehovah’s Witness, Huh?

I recently received an email through our website from someone asking about becoming a Jehovah’s Witness (JW). I will print the message here exactly as it was written. “how can i become amember of johva witness what rules and regulations are johva follow please help me iam religion less.” Obviously, the person (Esmael Dagnew) who sent the message hasn’t read anything on our web site. I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy who sent this email is the same “Nigerian Prince” who has offered to grant me $25,000000 if I will only help him disperse the money in a legal and orderly fashion.

Still, the question intrigued me enough to ask former JWs what they would tell someone who wanted to join the religion. What would former JWs say would be expected of someone who wanted to join? I posted my question in numerous facebook groups and received many comments. Most of the responses were what I expected to hear, but one stood out from the great crowd of remarks. This particular exJW decided to answer it from a different angle using sarcasm and humor. As an avid fan of the satirical online news outlet, The Babylon Bee, I’ve learned that the best satire is that which is closest to the truth. Inspired by this exJW’s answer, I decided to do my best to put some “wit” into Jehovah’s Witnesses. Most of this article will be written by me, but the last paragraph was so beautifully written by the commenter mentioned above that I will quote her (HG) at the end the article. Enjoy.

Dear Mr. (prospective brother) Dagnew, we have received your correspondence and are happified to learn that you are interested in The Truth. Although the Christian Greek Scriptures refer to Jehovah’s only Son Jesus as “the truth,” if you pass our test to become a Witness of Jehovah, you will learn that we refer to ourselves, God’s only true organization as, “The Truth.” If you are sincere in your desire to be faithful to Jehovah, there are a number of things you should take into consideration now.

You will henceforth begin to disconnect all human relationship with “worldly people” and worldly desires. These people will undoubtedly consist of your family members who are not pleased with your decision to study the bible Watchtower publications with Jehovah’s Witnesses. Worldly people are anyone who is not a Witness, thus they are controlled by Satan, the devil. You will now consider them “bad association” (1 Cor. 15:33).

Speaking of the devil, Google is his search engine. Bing isn’t even a close second, but it is spiritually dangerous too. Just as you will be expected to refrain from pornographic websites, we consider anything critical of Jehovah’s Witnesses to be spiritual pornography, even if it is true. There is no need to search the internet for anything regarding the Watchtower. We are 100% transparent with our history and our secrets. There is nothing to see about harboring pedophiles or preferring to destroy families instead of tarnishing Jehovah’s name. Those are apostate lies.

You must also change your appearance to closely match those mature ones who are already in the congregation. If you have long hair, cut it. If you have a beard, shave it off. If you don’t own any suits and ties, buy some now. If you are married or have children, they will be expected to maintain a neat, clean-shaven appearance as well. No pants suits for your wife or shorts for your children in the meetings.

Regarding children, you will be happy to know that you will no longer trouble yourself with a long list of time-consuming activities which are now forbidden. Since you and your family will be expected to spend time in the public ministry (door-to-door preaching work), avoiding additional pursuits will ensure that you have no distractions. This list includes, but is not limited to, after school activities such as sports, drama, Boys and Girl Scouts, martial arts, and higher education. We also don’t like Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Year’s celebrations, National holidays or birthdays. If we come up with more, we will let you know, however, wedding anniversaries are permitted. Speaking from experience, don’t forget that one.

If you do not have a wife and children, we can supply you with a family in time, if you prove faithful enough. There are many sisters who have been abandoned by their mentally diseased former spouses who are in need of spiritual headship in marriage. Some options include those with children and those without. Regardless, we are your family now.

If your employment requires you to carry a firearm, or if you are in the military, work at a gambling establishment, or a business which sells tobacco products as a main staple, you must find another job. If you find it difficult to locate suitable employment, do not pursue college or other higher education. Experience shows that one side-effect from such self-serving interest is pride manifested in thinking for ourselves. Independent thinking must be avoided. Instead, why not find employment with a brother in the local congregation? Remember, the world can always use more janitors and window washers.

Many mainstream churches of Christendom believe in baptism, but regardless of whether or not you have been previously baptized, you will need to be re-baptized. Rather than baptizing you in the name of the father, son and holy spirit, as the bible says, we will baptize you as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You must first answer roughly 80 questions satisfactorily and then you will be permitted to identify yourself as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses in association with Jehovah’s organization.

Understand this very clearly: studying seriously and getting baptized are both unspoken contracts to God’s ONLY organization- remember the rest are all worshiping Satan even if they don’t know it. If you mess up, or if we think you mess up, we reserve every right to boot you and rob you of every person you gave up your worldly family and friends for. We have the ability. Don’t try us. And don’t question us if we change the beliefs that drew you in, because the same thing goes.

Warmly with Christian affection,

Your brothers,

Christian Congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses